This article was first published in Training and Learning (www.trainingandlearning.co.uk) in Volume 1, Issue 6, 2005 and is reproduced with the kind permission of the Institute of Training and Occupational Learning (www.traininginstitute.co.uk)
Dealing with Difficult People
Having to deal with a ‘difficult’ person can be a major challenge. It can be quite an anxiety-provoking experience to have to manage a situation in which someone is being ‘difficult’ in some way. This can be very relevant to training and development in two ways. First, such difficulties can arise in a training session. Fortunately, it is relatively rare for such situations to arise, although they can be quite distressing when they do. Second, people involved in training and development may well be called upon at some time to provide training on such matters.
There is, of course, no simple formula solution for dealing with ‘difficult’ people (if there were, we would not regard dealing with such situations as ‘difficult’!). However, an important basic guideline to recognise is that there are no ‘difficult people’, only difficult situations. While some people may be more likely than others to contribute to difficulties arising, we should be wary of making the mistake of assuming that some people are difficult ‘by nature’.
The reasons for difficult situations arising are many and varied, and so it is a gross oversimplification to put things down to a ‘difficult’ person. Some of the factors that can lead to difficulties include:
- A mismatch of expectations – for example, someone arrives for what they believe to be an advanced-level course only to find that it is an introductory course and therefore too basic for their needs. Clarifying and negotiating expectations can be useful here, but if someone feels they have been misled and thereby treated disrespectfully, they may well react badly.
- Feeling threatened – If someone feels they are under threat in any way (they only have to feel they are under threat, even if there is no actual threat intended), then they may react in a way that raises tensions. For example, if someone feels their values are being undermined, they may challenge this – and may not have the skills or patience to challenge constructively.
- Not being listened to – if someone feels they are not being listened to, they may say what they have to say more forcefully, and that can lead to an escalation. If people feel uncomfortable with something being said quite forcefully, their discomfort may be interpreted by the person concerned as not being listened to, and he or she may then communicate even more forcefully in response.
This is not an exhaustive list, but it should be enough to show that ‘difficult’ situations are very complex, with a combination of factors leading to the problems that are being experienced. Simply attaching a label of ‘difficult person’ to someone is a far from adequate response – and can make the situation worse. Perhaps the person concerned is doing things we would prefer them not to do, but that is not the whole story. We need to ask ourselves:
- Are they acting reasonably from their own point of view? For example, if someone feels they are being treated disrespectfully, is their response reasonable?. If so, don’t tackle their response, tackle the underlying issue of: what has led this person to feel they have been treated badly and how can we remedy that situation?
- Have we considered the wider situation rather than just the individual’s behaviour? Perhaps other people involved (including ourselves) are fuelling the fire in some way, albeit unwittingly.
This is not to say that no-one ever behaves irresponsibly and that there is always a good reason to justify someone’s actions – that would be naïve. However, even where someone is behaving inappropriately, attaching a label doesn’t necessarily help – it can, in fact encourage the behaviour we are unhappy with. It is certainly the case that some people don’t always help themselves, that they may make a bad situation worse by their reaction to it, but recognising that is still a long way from the simplistic practice of putting people into a ‘difficult person’ box, rather than consider the situation carefully and try and understand what is happening.
Neil Thompson is the managing director of Avenue Consulting Ltd (www.avenueconsulting.co.uk). He is the author of People Skills (Palgrave Macmillan, 2nd edn, 2003).
© Neil Thompson 2005
www.neilthompson.info
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